I’ve never taken anything but straw polls on the matter, but ask any woman what she wants in a man, and “confidence” is sure to be one of the top three or four character traits. So it’s worth spending some time asking ourselves what it is and how to discover it inside of yourself in order to pick up women. Our Unbreakable program really drives into the heart of it, but I think we can do the subject matter some service here without spending 30 pages on it.

Let’s start with a definition. To me, confidence is a feeling you have that drives bold actions towards things you want. It is having some faith in yourself that when you speak up, people will listen, and when you go for something, you’ll get it. It’s trusting yourself, but beyond that, it’s a force that drives action.

When you make the approach, or go for the kiss, or invite her back to yours, it’s because you trust that she’s going to like you and want to go along with it. And if she doesn’t, confidence is having the faith in your skills to overcome her protestations. And if she rejects you, confidence is having the feeling that you’re still an awesome guy.

Confidence builds on a lot of things. Knowing that you have skills to pick up women gives you confidence. Knowing that you have more important things in your life – a solid foundation – gives you confidence. Knowing what you want and being clear about it gives you confidence. So does having a sense of entitlement.

Ahh, and that’s the rub, right there.

Confidence doesn’t actually have to be based on any great soul search – it can merely come from feeling like the world owes you twenty times over, then going out and collecting that debt. Some people are just born and/or raised that way.

Now, what usually happens in life is that we keep on going after what we want, until a roadblock is thrown in front of us. If we manage to avoid that roadblock, or blast right through it, we build some confidence. But if it stops us, diverts us, or worst of all – if we crash into it and body parts go flying – we have to have a serious think about both the direction we were headed, and how quickly we could get there.

Let’s consider this in practice. When a third grade boy goes to hold a girl’s hand and, after casually slapping him away once, she then accepts his romantic little overture, something clicks inside his head and reinforces the notion that he can get away with such behavior. By fifth grade, he’s planting kisses on the cheeks of any girl he can convince to join him under the jungle gym, and he’s full-on smooching (no tongue, of course) six months later. Ladies men are made, not born… and this one just happened to get a head start on the rest of us. He encountered a small roadblock in third grade, drove right through it, and every subsequent time that he’s seen a similar looking roadblock, he knows what to do.

You can probably imagine the flipside of this story. The boy who got held up by that roadblock convinced himself that women didn’t like him, and continued to tell himself that story well into his early adult years. Then one day, he realizes that he’s not very confident around women and finds himself reading this article.

Lack of confidence doesn’t always have such obscure causes, though. Sometimes we gather a fairly large head of steam, then run into a roadblock sizeable enough to compel us into a Come to Jesus moment. Again, we can use a story to illustrate – I’ll volunteer one from my life.

In the late winter / early spring of 2006, life was humming along nicely for me. I had a great circle of friends, was the CEO of a promising beverage startup, and was dating a really hot model. But within a three-week period, everything turned around – my company failed to clear a critical regulatory hurdle, leading to a battle with my partner that caused me to lose my stake in the company, and left me nearly six figures in debt. My girlfriend left me, and took with her big parts of our mutual social circle. And my best friend stopped hanging out with me… and started spending a lot of time with my then ex-girlfriend.

I’ve had my share of humdingers, but nothing this acute in such short a timeframe. And it perfectly illustrates the point; I was a cocky mofo in the months leading up to this experience. But the subsequent months were spent reflecting upon what had happened, and more importantly, what mistakes I’d made that led to such circumstances. Had I failed to surround myself with the right people? Had I been careless in managing my business? Had I seen warning signs and ignored them?

I’m a bit more confident these days – you can be assured of that – but it comes from knowing himself a little bit better and trusting himself more.

One common thread in any story about confidence – whether it be those illustrated above, or those from any other confident person you’ll talk to, is the following: their confidence came from clearing the roadblocks.. That’s always how it is. You can prepare to clear the roadblocks if you see them ahead, or you can scout for alternate routes, or you can be lucky enough to have great reflexes so that you’re able to adopt on the fly. But at the end of the day, true confidence comes from getting past them and getting closer to your goals.

The metaphor here should be obvious. Becoming confident with women, and being able to effectively pick up women, ultimately requires that you become successful with women. There’s no shortcut or instant, Matrix-style brain download that can compete with real experience and real success. The neural pathways in your brain have a way of wiring themselves through experiences that no amount of cogitating and preparatory thinking can achieve. In that way, it’s a sort of weird Catch-22. So how do you get around it?

Of course, there are lots of things that can boost your confidence with women prior to achieving of all-out pimpdom. Success in any other part of your life has spillover effects into your pursuit of the feminine. Dressing better, making cooler friends, getting in shape… those all help, and we’ll be getting into them in a bit. Even hypnosis CDs and other such self-help programs can contribute. But if you spend too much time dwelling on the periphery of the issue of confidence with women, without dealing with it directly, you’re just postponing the inevitable.

How to break the log jam? Well, it’s kind of weird… but you just start doing the things you need to do. The things we’ll cover later in this book. And even some things we don’t cover. You just go do it, and all of a sudden, good stuff starts happening. You feel better about yourself for going after it. You stop having those regretful nights of “what if I’d talked to her?” or “what if I’d escalated?”. Whether you succeed or fail, you know you went for it. Then you regroup, figure out how to overcome the next roadblock, and go back out there.

You just keep doing. You get out there and you do some more, until those roadblocks aren’t stopping you anymore. It’s frustrating sometimes, and depending on how well you learn and how devoted you are, it could take a little bit of time or a lot. But the confidence from being a man who does, who takes action, is a force to be reckoned with.

Action is all that matters. Repeated, disciplined action and eventual success breeds confidence like nothing else.

Get the Social Man’s latest program, Unbreakable, which is available now from their official site by clicking here.

This was taken from the Stylelife Academy newsletter. Great stuff on there sometimes.

Here are some tips to make your party an event to remember.

Plan Your Guest List

You need a vibrant, interesting mix of people in order to have a successful party. This often means looking beyond your Fave Five. Certainly, invite your best friends. But mix in people that maybe you don’t know quite as well. Try to include one new acquaintance for every two close friends that you invite. Doing so, will expand your social circle and ensure that people at your party don’t get bored by seeing the same old people.

Leading up to your event, include women you meet out socializing. When you’re preparing for the party, be sure to be in the proper frame of mind and ready to act on any opportunity that arises.

Pitch Your Event

You’re well beyond the days of calling a friend and saying, “Wanna hang out, dude?” Instead, you need to properly invite people to your party. Everyone is busy these days, especially on a holiday. So you need to make your party stand out. Make it something they can’t bear to miss.

You can make your party stand out by sending invites. These don’t have to be stodgy, engraved invitations. You can use an online service such as Evite or even a mass Facebook event message. But don’t just expect your pals to spread the word about your event. If you’re not going to send invitations in some manner, then you should at least personally call your guests.

Prepare an interesting name for your event, or a tagline. Use this in your invitations and phone calls to guests. You could use “Festival on the Fourth” or even “Fireworks, Fun, and Fajitas!” The point is to make your party sound fun, entertaining, and to differentiate it from everything else going on that day.

Plan Your Party

Don’t leave your guests hungry or thirsty. Prepare in advance so someone isn’t having to dash out in the middle of the party to hit the nearby 7-11. According to Martha Stewart, “For cocktail parties, allow for a pound of ice for each guest, as well as three drinks…per person for a two hour party.” So plan your supplies accordingly.

And don’t forget to account for all your guests drinking and eating habits either. Make sure your beverages contain a good mix of alcoholic and non-alcoholic options such as soda and bottled water. For your food, be sure to include vegetables and non-meat options in case any vegetarians attend.

Grilling and Chilling

Food sizzling on an open flame goes hand in hand with celebrating the Fourth of July. So whether the party is at your house or you’re gathering friends at a local park, be sure to throw some meat on the barbecue.

Select foods that make sense for your party. Informal gatherings are great for burgers and hot dogs. If you’re hosting a more upscale affair, then steak and seafood are probably more appropriate.

The single biggest mistake people make when grilling is overcooking the food. Many professional chefs advise touching the steak to test how done it is.

Rare: Touch your thumb and forefinger together so you form a circle. Press on the fleshy pad under your thumb, next to your palm. It should be soft and a little bouncy. This is how a rare steak feels.

Medium: Touch your thumb and middle finger together and press on the fleshy pad under your thumb. There should be some give and it should feel springy to the touch. This is how a medium steak feels.

Well-Done: Touch your thumb and little finger together. Press on the fleshy pad below your thumb. There should be no give and it’s very firm. This is how a well-done steak feels.

Party Fireworks

The use of fireworks in celebrating the Fourth of July goes all the way back to the very first anniversary after the signing of the Declaration of Independence. Founding Father John Adams wrote to this wife that “guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations” should be used throughout the country.

Today, obviously, fireworks are still used in celebrating the holiday. However, laws and legal statutes vary widely. Research your local area and find the perfect spot to watch the public fireworks display with that special someone. The rewards that night will be worth the extra effort.

This was an interesting article by Carlos Xuma about getting control with your social circle.

QUESTION

I’ve noticed recently that my cocky and funny and confidence from reading your stuff has given me a good amount of popularity among people in my college. Not just with girls, but male friends as well.

Within the past few months I have got A LOT of new friends added to my phone and people often rely on me to plan and organize social events and little group gatherings.

The problem is, there are so many people who want to hang out with me its hard for me to find time for them or plan things with any of the few groups I hang out with.

I know this question doesn’t have a lot to do with dating. But more towards the social life of an Alpha man.

How do I keep track of all these people? Its starting to get confusing for me…

CARLOS XUMA ANSWERS

It feels GOOD, doesn’t it?

A sudden increase in your social network…?

Being in demand for once instead of IGNORED…

And no matter what we may think about popularity, and how we turn our noses at it, it sure does feel GOOD, doesn’t it?

I used to be a real loner. I remember this time in high school when I got a school jacket with our school colors and everything.

Now, I was a poor kid, and I couldn’t afford to buy one, but apparently they accidentally gave it to me thinking that I’d ordered it. The jacket fit really nice, too.

I wore that jacket around and felt … proud. I felt like I finally BELONGED. For once I wasn’t awkward or weird or different than the others around me. I lost my teenage maladjustment for just a week or so. I got along with people better and I felt more social.

And then they found me out. The teachers realized I didn’t buy the jacket, so I had to give it back because I couldn’t afford it.

After I got over my initial disappointment, I thought that I had just been ACTING confident and feeling socially valuable that whole time I had the jacket.

And now I was going back to my old self again.

But the reality was that my old self was the ACT.

And the other part of my new reality was that nothing changed about ME, just my thoughts.

The jacket didn’t give me anything. I just acted on a BELIEF.

It was my own insecurities and beliefs about my place in the school pecking order.

For two weeks I was part of the “in crowd” and confident all because of a stupid high school jacket.

Funny, huh?

Now, it took me years to get over those feelings of inferiority and insecurity, but I did. And when I did, and I discovered that I could have as many friends as I wanted, I started to respond to this sudden social wealth in my life by wanting to be a part of it all. I did my best to make sure no one slipped through the cracks.

Some did, but the ones who lasted were the ones I counted as friends.

Now, you gotta admit – this is a pretty good problem to have, isn’t it?

Tons of friends and an active social life. (A lot of stuff you learned from me, but most of it was already inside YOU, my Jedi pupil…)

Well, guess what? You don’t have to keep track of everyone and everything and keep it all organized. You can just go along for the ride.

Most guys WISH they had this problem in their lives, so I’m sure I’ll get emails about how all the readers want to start a charity in your name.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Anyway…

Here’s an idea or two for your social logistic problem – get an iPhone, or some other kind of PDA. Keep all your contacts and numbers in there. Or just a good cell phone that can keep all the information straight.

Then create an email group with all their emails in it. Then you just send out a blast to them every so often with ideas on where to meet that weekend for a “flash-mob.”

You can even setup a text message group on your phone that you can blast on a moment’s notice.

“Over at Harry’s Pub… Come over for pitchers and darts…”

Create a regular place to meet up on certain days so that everyone gets that feeling of camaraderie and community. Like the bar in “Cheers.”

Then put together a few parties and events and make sure EVERYONE is invited. Enjoy your newfound social network.

Here’s a little marketing tip that will blow your social network up as large as you want it:

Take a lot of fun pictures at your events, and put them up on a myspace or facebook page. Make sure everyone is having fun, and then you’ll become a social legend that everyone will want to meet.

And you’ll get a lot more new friends from the friends that your current friends bring along. I have some friends that hold these kinds of bring-a-friend or “date my friend” parties regularly.

Just be sure to delegate some of the organization to your more reliable and trusted friends. You don’t want to have to do all the work.

And you can even have a party where everyone has to bring a single friend of the opposite sex.

You’ll create a wider social circle…

You’ll have more women in your life… (Which is the usual side-effect of a healthier social life…)

And then all your free time gets used up because you’re now socially VALUABLE. This is what we call a “high-quality problem.”

Don’t bitch about it… Ride the wave!

Because this is an Alpha Man’s strongest skill: POWER Social Skills.

He knows that it’s not the anti-social jerk that gets to have all the fun (and the women) in life, but the guy who’s calm and confident in his own skin, and can still be liked by others.

Improve your dating and social life. Make the changes you need to make to get the McLovin, the bedroom action, and relationships that you want and DESERVE to have.

You need to learn these Power Social Skills, and what it means to be a complete man today.

I’ve been interviewing women in this field lately – the smart ones who really DO know what women want – and every one of them is absolutely aligned on this fact:

Women want a man who is not focused only on WOMEN.

He has to have his complete game together, and that means having the one ability that most guys don’t take the time to develop…

And they don’t develop it simply because they never had anyone teach it to them.

Well that’s going to change…

Go have a look at the new social revolution that I’m starting with guys right now.

So that you can have the kind of life that YOU choose to lead, with the success that most guys thought you had to inherit or get through luck…

I’ll be back again soon to teach you more about Power Social Skills…

Your Friend,

Carlos Xuma

Got an interesting mailbag the other day, and thought to convert it into an article, as it highlights some principles I enjoy teaching. Now, let me preface this discussion by saying this – the GOAL (in some respects) of getting GOOD with women is to never hear the following phrase:

“Let’s Just Be Friends…”

Makes me gag just to type it.

BUT – there are times when it happens…and there is very little we can do about it.

Very little? So, that means there is something we CAN do about it?

YES.

I’ll let my friend Gene pose his question/experience… and I’ll be back in just a moment with some feedback.

“I had a question from a dating experience I had over the last month I wanted to ask you about.

My query relates to whether I should pursue a “friendship” with a girl had dated a couple of times (4) but thinks went pear shaped b/c of a combination of me coming across too keen on our last date (by giving her a gift and paying for an expensive dinner etc) and her being a bit sick and “bitchy” for whatever reason throughout the night. We have caught up once since and she was fine but was acting as a friend and said she would be happy to do stuff “as a friend” and “take things slowly”. She hasn’t initiated any contact on her own behalf since. I have downloaded your e-book “How To Get A Girlfriend” and I know you say that sometimes it is good to be friends with women where things don’t work out so that you can meet her circle of friends etc. I am wondering whether this is such a case or whether I should just move on and meet other women. I have been on a few other dates since but the girls haven’t really interested me so I haven’t taken it further.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks

Gene”

Gene

Good question (Pear-shaped? Can anyone explain?)

Here’s what I would do:

1) Definitely date other women…that’s a no brainer for sure.

This way, you get your mind off of her and begin to see the other options that are out there. This automatically helps you reclaim some power that this other girl now holds over you.

Waiting for her in ANY form is destructive to your self-esteem. When things are “right” for a relationship, nothing can keep the two of you apart, and after four dates it is “legal” for both parties to call each other with no prompting.

So, we can safely assume here that “friends” is the road…and that there is no other for now.

However, being friends with women is a GOOD thing…

It gives you a woman that is now in your social circle with whom you can socialize…making it easier to meet OTHER women (her friends, for example).

2) Begin to “lead” your social circle (re-read that part of the ebook).

So, organize outings; explore a new neighborhood; check out a new
restaurant/venue; do something off-beat, cultural or otherwise adventurous…all with your “crew”.

Be sure to invite the girl in question. Just put her in the rotation of friends you ask to do stuff with.

What happens here is that she begins to see that you are serious about being “friends” and that you aren’t needy for her attention.

This will help deflate whatever bad/wierd feelings remain from the old dating scenario and will help you two “start over”, so to speak…

If there is any real chemistry/connection there, that will take over and something natural can then happen.

I’ve seen plenty of examples where a guy just laid back and opened himself to the “friends” scenario…and guess what? Once he relaxed, she got INTERESTED.

One nice thing about leading your social circle is that by being in the eye of the storm, you become the “high value” person in the group.

If a single woman is along, you instantly become the best option.

Oh, and if there are new women along…they will subconsciously seek your approval when in the pilot position. They’ll be looking to be accepted by the group, and it’s your opinion that matters.

Feel free to bring new women that you are dating along on the outing. A little jealousy plotline never hurts, and it shows her that you’ve truly moved on.

Plus, she might have some cool female friends to bring along…a great way to meet new women.

Clear?

Oh, and one VERY important final word…

Never ever ever give a gift or pay for an expensive meal with a woman that you aren’t SERIOUSLY involved with (you’ve had sex, for example).

Otherwise, it comes across as needy & insecure…let that be clear to everyone reading this.

Over ‘n out…

Stephen Nash has put his tactics on building an attractive lifestyle and persona into How To Get A Girlfriend, now in it’s 3rd edition. It contains expanded information on approaching, natural conversation skills, building social circles, and a lifestyle that attracts women to you.

Click here to download it and be studying within minutes.