» Sean Messenger

The Myth Of Approach Anxiety

Editor — Wed, 11 Mar 2009 07:23:52 +0000

Every get nervous when you see a beautiful woman, and think, “I should go talk to her?”

If you said no, you’re a damn liar. Or a sociopath.

It’s not a terrible thing. Nervousness and excitement are roughly the same physical process, but the problem is, no matter what you call it, it’s a physical thing. You can’t THINK your way out of not feeling nervous. You can’t even just “plough” through it.

In fact, approaching women when you are feeling nervous (the classic “PUA” advice of “approach 1000 sets and run your routines”), is the WORST thing you can do to control approach anxiety, because what you are doing on a scientific and psychological level is anchoring an ACTION (approaching women) to a NEGATIVE FEELING (nervousness and fear).

In other words, when you approach women when you are feeling really nervous, you are MAKING IT WORSE. You are constantly reminding your mind that approaching beautiful girls is something to fear, and every time you do it, you fear it more.

Classic pickup is all designed to give you things to do so you can APPEAR confident and calm even when you are totally terrified. And that’s why you rarely see a “PUA” keep a girl, even a great girl, for more than a night, because being around her is always anchored to feeling NERVOUS.

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could feel like the REAL naturals do? Wouldn’t it be a helluva lot easier to have no fear, no nervousness, no anxiety when you approach a beautiful girl? Wouldn’t it be a whole lot easier to think of things to say if you were totally calm?

It is. And, in the words of Yoda, YOU WILL BE.

Just read on, my friend.

Hey Sean,

God damn it, I’m struggling with approach anxiety. I have opportunities to do/say something and I can’t. I really want to go up to a girl and use the sincere direct compliment you teach in the UCP as it seems perfect. It’s straight to the point, doesn’t beat around the bush and neither person’s time is wasted.

Today I thought it through and I got a lot of positive visuals – most people with AA who can’t approach girls get negative visuals. Whereas all of mine were positive, I saw the girl saying a variation of ‘oh my god thank you’, blushing, their eyes lighting up. And yet I was sitting down and this really cute girl walks past and I couldn’t say anything. A reasonably cute girl sits next to me and I thought ‘right I’m going to ask how her day was’ but she started using a pda so I didn’t. It’s weird when I’ve got AA in my head I ‘know’ if I’m going to approach or not. It’s weird, if I get that feeling then I know eventually I will actually do it.

So I failed, so went into the city and wandered around trying to muster up the couirage, couldn’t do it. I walked past at least 6 super-cute girls, and at least 20-30 very cute girls. I even had a couple of drinks and that didn’t work. Part of it was because there were a lot of people around yet at one point a girl came up to the low wall that I was sitting beside and was rummaging through her bag. Perfect opportunity but I literally started to shake, my heart pounded and I even ran my hand through my hair which is a habit when I’m stressed. And the more I tried to will myself the worse it got.

I did have one tiny thing that made me perk up just a bit. I looked at a girl on the train and she gave me a small smile (which I usually assume to be polite, but probably just shy) then kept her eyes on me for roughly 2 seconds before looking away. She was getting off though so couldn’t do anything.

It’s just frustrating I see it going so well in my head and it’s just a few words. Hell I could even say ‘wow’ then wait till I have their attention then finish with ‘you’re really cute’. It’s short and sweet lol.

Sean, when you were overcoming your anxiety did it come naturally as you did the exercises? Or did you have to overcome massive hurdles still? Like shaking when you try and will yourself to make a move…
– M, UK”

I feel your pain, bro. It’s an annoying, annoying thing when you know girls are there, when you know what to say, when you can even SEE it in your mind, and you still can’t make a move.

I’ll confess. I felt this way every single day, EVEN when I was teaching pickup bootcamps. That’s why PUAs burn out so fast, because they are living in a world of constant stress and fear.

And that’s why I got out, and started a search to find a better way. I tried everything the “pickup” world had to teach, and nothing changed that basic issue of “I want to talk to her, but this fear is still there.”

Good news. I FIXED IT, and I’m teaching it all in the next UCP Bootcamp, “ApproachAnxiety/ApproachAdrenaline”

http://lvo3.com/home/ucp

But this stuff is so necessary, I’m not even going to charge for it. I’m going to share the fundamentals with you. Here’s how you start.
Next time you see a girl you want to approach, turn away from her.
Now just breathe 3 times. But do it this way. Breathe down into your belly, all the way down to your perineum, filling your belly down and out. Inhale for a count of 7. Then gently hold that breath for a count of 7 (gently!), and finally, exhale, pushing the air from the perineum on up, and pulling your belly back in like you are pulling your navel back against your spine.

Think of your perineum working like a pump. You pull down with it to fill your body with oxygen on the inhale, and push it up to expel the carbon dioxide on the exhale. It should feel a bit like a syringe filling and emptying. This will flush your system with extra oxygen, which you give you a feeling of calm, and give you something to focus on other than the pernicious “what am I gonna say?”

Once you’ve done this, let that glow spread a bit. Practice this in private a few times first to get the feel. Then simply walk up to that girl and just start a conversation in an appropriate, non-threatening manner. I like, “excuse me, but I saw you here and I had to come meet you. My name’s Sean.”

When you get in the habit of approaching women from a calm state, all the clever, funny, sexy lines just flow, and suddenly she is more invested in the conversation, and you don’t have to struggle for ways to impress her.

Truth it, you already impressed the hell out of her just by walking up to meet her WITHOUT using some cheesy line or trick, and did it all while being calm, confident, and cute.

This exercise comes directly from the UCP Bootcamp, “Build Confidence,” and when you get in the UCP and dig in you’ll find more practice, including some ancient breathing techniques that have been applied to meeting women for the very first time, and will totally change the way you feel when you approach women.

Starting Friday, I’m taking ALL the practice from Eastern Tradition, Western Science, modern exercise practice, pickup, seduction, culture, poetry, drama, public speaking, breath control, dance, weightlifting, fashion… and, fucking hell, over 25 YEARS of meeting and dating exactly the girls I want without ever having to deal with the self-created problems of the “pickup guru.”

ApproachAnxiety? Or ApproachAdrenaline?

Which sounds better to you?

As a gift for subscribing to the RSS, download my ~~$6.95~~ Blueprint To Inner Game Success for free.

Seduction Chronicles Quick Links: VH1 Pickup Artist, David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, Ross Jeffries, Paul Janka, Double Your Dating, Mystery Method, Real Social Dynamics, Wayne Elise

Five Fundamentals to Get Girls Today (Sean Column)

Sean Messenger — Sat, 03 May 2008 21:21:37 +0000

The dreaded death of mojo.

We all face it.

You wake up and the first thing you think is “I have to go back out there and do it again.”

Doesn’t matter if you’ve been picking up girls your whole life, or if you just started. The strong pull to do nothing never goes away.

Entropy. The tendency of ordered systems to fall apart and settle into inactivity.

Sloth. The desire to stay in bed and do, as we all learned from “Office Space,” nothing. Absolutely. Nothing.

But the girls are out there. They are there every morning getting coffee, waiting for trains and busses, walking to work, walking their dogs, doing stuff. Commerce. Activity. Life.

And you know that when you are having a good day, it can be easy to just strike up that flirty conversation and spark something. We’ve all had at least one night, maybe with good friends at a party, or a bar you really like, when it seems like no thing to turn your volume up a little bit more and run your silly fun little lines on the cutie who catches your eye.

We all already have mojo. But we don’t control when it’s on, and when it’s off.

What do you do on those days when your mojo is sleeping?

How do you wake it the fuck up?

Here’s are the 5 Fixes I use to get myself going every day.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been doing this or how good you are at it. Remember, the best pickup artists in the world don’t even think of it as pickup. It’s not something they do. It’s just something they are, every minute, every day.

Do these five things, and you’ll peg your switch to ON all the time, and you’ll never let an opportunity pass by again.

1. Say Hi to people and give smiles every single day.

Simple smiles and greetings, especially in places where that is not expected, change the way you feel. When you talk, you are out of your head. And your head is a very comfortable, but lonely, place to be. If you’re only motivation for doing pickup is to bust a nut, you’ll never be happy. But if you can consider that being a nicer, friendlier person is a gift to others, it takes the pressure off you.

2. Flirt before noon.

I don’t wait for Friday or Saturday night to roll around. I schedule visits to places every morning where I know I’ll run into cute girls, so I can keep approaching and keep re-inforcing good habits and good results.

The nice thing about flirting with girls in the daytime is that all you need is one banter line, and you are almost always going to get a smile.

3. Walk, and walk with a purpose.

Be aware of your body language every day. If you catch yourself feeling nervous or stressed, get up and walk around. Force a smile onto your face. Breathe deep and slow. Get moving.

4. When in doubt, just make her smile.

Every passionate relationship begins with the man doing something to make the woman feel good. There are lots of ways to start this… banter and teasing, sexy eye contact, or absolute sincerity. If you get stuck, or in your head, stop thinking about it as a pickup, and set your goal just at making her smile. Be selfless. You are a gift you share with women.

5. Go back to basics.

Instead of trying to run a scripted 20-minute script, just do the pieces. Go back to warmups. Stop cute girls and ask them what time it is. Willfully lose yourself in the city so you can ask directions.

And when you really need a karmic boost, go with the old standard sincere compliment.

“I know this is a little random, but I had to tell you that you are very cute.”

Start it by acknowledging that what you are about to do is a bit unusual. This shows your social intelligence and puts her at ease. Then tell her just what you think. Every healthy man finds attractive girls cute. There’s always something there that catches her eye. And you know she spends most of her time and money working on it.

So tell her. Be a man who makes his world better, and you will find the world making things better for you.

These five fixes may sound a little too basic. I know, you want the super-advanced magic words to make panties just melt right off her thighs.

The truth is there are no magic words. There are no shortcuts, and there is no new technology that makes girls want sex more than ever before.

There are only fundamentals, and guys who do them well. Make these fundamentals part of your daily routines, and watch your results, and your total happiness, skyrocket.

It’s pure pickup karma. The more good you do for others selflessly, the more it comes back to you. Stop worrying about how to get her home that night or destroy her boyfriend or overcome her socialized resistance.

Do it for her, not for you. You will get more comfortable and more confident, and then when you see that smoking hottie across the bar and know you have to wade through a see of stalkers to get to her, you’ll have your mojo running high and a real smile on your face.

As a gift for subscribing to the RSS, download my ~~$6.95~~ Blueprint To Inner Game Success for free.
Seduction Chronicles Quick Links: VH1 Pickup Artist, David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, Ross Jeffries, Paul Janka, Double Your Dating, Mystery Method, Real Social Dynamics, Wayne Elise