» Scot Mckay

Why Even Desperate Guys Won’t Marry Their Girlfriends

Scot Mckay — Tue, 08 Jul 2008 05:39:44 +0000

Welcome to the latest installment on relationship management. I’m appreciating your comments and e-mails. I’m also stoked that so many of you guys are ready to take the long-view past pickup and look into what it takes to be the master of your own destiny with women…no matter what your personal vision of the future looks like.

A subtitle to the admittedly brash title of today’s article could be, “Why Some Women Can’t Go Three Dates Between Marriage Proposals”.

What we’re talking about here are the differences between women we want to have around for as long as possible, and the ones we can’t quite see a future with.

So let’s just throw it out on the table to get things started: There are certain women who have no idea how to make a guy commit to them. Even though that’s what they WANT most.
In fact, considering that we coach both men and women around here at X & Y Communications, the e-mails and phone calls we get on a regular basis say it all.

While guys we hear from tend to think women are the “choosers” because they arbitrate sexual activity (apparently), the women we hear from tend to think it’s men who actually hold all the cards—because none of them seem to want to commit.

Stereotypes abound in both gender’s assessments, of course.

But the cold, hard truth is that when one lacks options and/or a valid understanding of MOTOS (i.e. Members Of The Opposite Sex), one tends to feel as if his or her dating life is outside of personal control.

So we get e-mails from guys who have a serious “dry spell” going on, of course.

And…we get e-mails from women whose boyfriends stick around for years because they are getting laid and nothing better has come along…yet.

The truth is that if he isn’t into marrying her, he’s likely more into finding a better option…it’s just that one hasn’t seemed to have happened along his path just yet.

But you’ve got to be kidding if you think he’s ever going to tell her that.
Think about that one for a moment.

It’s not like most AFC-types out there are loaded down with options, and since the house isn’t exactly on fire, cutting the rope, going “solo” and actually risking an active role in finding someone better isn’t…[yawn]…a priority.

Let me know if you can relate to what I’m describing here, either directly or indirectly via what you’ve seen a buddy or to deal with.

And see, here’s the twisted irony of this whole deal.

Our boy in this example is invariably labeled a “commitment phobe” by his chick (who has too much time invested in this whole gig to walk out the door herself).

Yet, as we’ve seen time and again in real life, he could easily end up engaged to the very next woman he meets within weeks…assuming he ever gets into the position to actually meet her.

How?

Simple. Some women know how to get men to commit, that’s all.
Here’s the diff between women who blow it, and women who repeatedly deal with guys who show up with rings on third dates (the latest example thereof we heard about just yesterday).

WOMEN GUYS WON’T COMMIT TO…

1) …are inherently resentful of men in general
If she has no respect for men and cannot trust them, why would any man who values femininity and respects a woman’s inherent humanity waste his time with her? Sure, maybe she’s been damaged by past relationships, but those guys were not you, so you need not pay the price.

2) …refuse to support their man’s hopes, dreams and endeavors
If she cannot share your vision and your victories, she will likely not stand by you when life’s inevitable setbacks happen. So why commit to such an empty partnership?

3) …are ruthlessly selfish
When there’s only “take” and no “give”, guys feel taken advantage of. Strangely, such women are typically impossible to please. If you can’t please her, why bother? You won’t.

4) …are contentious
There are women who want to “wear the pants”. Yet, even if she refuses your leadership, she’ll still lack respect for you if you don’t exercise it anyway. No self-respecting man will live the rest of his life this way…except in sitcoms. It’s a classic lose/lose situation.

5) …are negative
If she “hates” all sorts of things, you’ll have to fight to avoid being drawn in. And your optimism, if not squelched under pressure, will be a lonely voice. Most guys aren’t buying into that lifestyle long-term, no matter how hot she is.

6) …avoid risk
Forget giving up your YZF-R1 and the kiteboarding “habit”. She’s afraid you might not ever come home alive when you go to the driving range to hit a few. This not only adds up to boredom with a quickness, it starts feeling about as restrictive as a straitjacket.

7) ….are jealous
There is an inverse correlation between how insanely jealous she is and how excited you are to be with her for years. Either that or you should check your pulse. After all, rumor has it the jealous ones are the cheaters themselves.

….openly flirt with other guys
This could be the most devastating mistake women who want commitment make. “Oh, him? He and I are just really, really good friends.” Face it, if you think there’s any doubt she’ll remain faithful, you aren’t going to subject yourself to the potential humiliation.

To be sure, a guy with no options may stay involved with a woman he won’t commit to if he’s getting some.
But as soon as this woman shows up, his current girlfriend is probably toast:

WOMEN MEN COMMIT TO…

1) …are proud to be a woman and crave a real man
Despite social pressure nowadays, she’s flat-out feminine. She makes you feel like a man, assuming you match the description. All is right in the universe.

2) …believe in your competence
She’s your biggest cheerleader. In her mind, you aren’t only going to win…you already have.

3) …are givers who can accept generosity
She’s nobody’s doormat, for sure. But she knows you appreciate everything she does for you—usually without your having to ask and sometimes without you even knowing it happened. In return, you are generous to her without reservation because there is no sense of “entitlement” haunting you.

4) …trust your leadership
She understands your ambition, knows the game plan and backs you 100%. Why? Because you have her best interests in mind anyway.

5) …boldly think the best of you
There is never any doubt expressed regarding your character, your intentions or anything else for that matter. And as long as you don’t breach that trust, there never will be.

6) …crave adventure
She’s your willing accomplice…whatever form that takes.

7) …are their man’s most valued confidant
Were this a job and not a relationship, she’d be the first to show up in the morning and the last to leave. You gladly share everything you’ve got and welcome her input in return. And you instinctively know she isn’t going anywhere.

…glow in your presence
The feminine joy in her heart shines through her eyes, which are always smiling. This is the telltale sign of authenticity and ultimate trustworthiness.

My guess is that even the most hardcore PUA would have a hard time not selecting a woman of the latter description first from among however many options available to him…every day of the week.
And this would probably hold true even before they were both utterly blown away by what happens in the bedroom.

Next time, given the information you now have before you, I’ll share a way to leverage the most magical skill a man can have in relationship management so as to magically attract high-quality women and practically gain total control over your entire dating life overnight.

Meanwhile, if you have anything to add to either of my lists above, go for it.

Be Good,

Scot McKay

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Relationship Management: Being In Control Vs. Being A Controller

Scot Mckay — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 18:59:55 +0000

Back when I was in the IT world I flew to Chicago quite a bit. Since United Airlines is hubbed at O’Hare (or “ORD”), that was my usual airline of choice.

Now, whatever your personal opinion of United Airlines is, there are two ultra-cool things about UA that cannot be denied: 1) They serve Starbucks on board, and… 2) …if you tune in to channel 9 on their in-flight audio system, you can listen to air traffic control (aka “ATC”) in real time.

While cruising at 38,000 feet, overhearing the Ft. Worth Area Control Center hand off to Kansas City Center is admittedly not the most exciting thing in the world.

But when initial approach into ORD would begin, I found myself utterly fascinated by the flawless choreography necessary on the part of air traffic controllers to ensure safe and efficient traffic flow into and out of one of the busiest airports on the planet.

“…United 6092, descend and maintain 3500. Turn left, heading 030 for three-two left. Contact O’Hare tower 132.7, good day. United 298, maintain at or above 4000. Observe company traffic, 7-5 at 2:00. Lufthansa 430 heavy, descend and maintain 5000…”

The flight crews trying to land jets at O’Hare fully understand that it’s a really good idea to take whatever ATC tells them seriously. After all, there’s seldom any doubt that those manning the radar screens are utterly competent. And to deviate from their guidance could spell out disaster.

And it’s not like there’s a power struggle or anything. The pilots are doing their job, which is a pretty cool gig in its own right, and the guys in the tower at London Gatwick, on the job at Potomac Terminal Radar Approach Control, or at the Boise Center are doing theirs.

And as a team, the pilot and the air traffic controller are operating in the best interest of everyone involved…especially the passengers.

It’s not like ATC is saying “my way or the highway”. Believe me, if Iberia 27 Heavy happens to blow an engine in ORD airspace, priorities will be gladly adjusted accordingly.

And the pilots? Their number one concern is arriving safely and soundly on terra firma. They’re all about getting their part of the plan done without any drama. For them, attempting to create order out of chaos in the skies would be unthinkable—they’ve GOT to be freed up to go about the business of flying.

Relationship Management is, in many ways, not unlike air traffic control.
Granted, we as men probably do well not to issue an emotionless stream of rapid-fire commands to a woman if we want to get anywhere with her.

But we as guys must have a PLAN. We need to be able to confidently assert what’s best for everyone involved in any given scenario. And what’s best for our significant others should take precedence over our own selfish needs, within reason. That should be by our own choice.

This means putting ego aside and making decisions based on a clear knowledge of what a woman’s hopes and dreams are vis-à-vis what is both feasible and reasonable…and executing based on that vision.

But this doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be taken advantage of by an opportunistic woman. If we’re in jeopardy of quickly becoming someone’s “doormat”, all bets are off.

Make no mistake. In such a case a great woman will not be demanding and selfish. Similarly, she won’t make unreasonable demands at the expense of common sense.

Just like a pilot theoretically could veer from course, summarily ignoring ATC’s solid plan of action, she could do her own thing. But if your leadership example smacks of confidence and benevolence, that won’t happen—whether you are an air traffic controller or one half of a great relationship.

What’s more, as men being able to see the “big picture” regarding what’s on the radar screen both now and in the future is a must. Without that kind of field vision, potential snags will seemingly arise out of nowhere and bite us where the sun don’t shine.

And lets face it, were a pilot suddenly to find him or herself on a visual collision course with a 777 he or she would consider that an unwelcome surprise. And trust in air traffic control would probably degenerate quickly, and rightly so.

So yes, as there is in the skies, there’s a careful balance to be attained when practicing solid relationship management.

It’s not so much about “control”, per se, as it is “leadership” when you get right down to it.

Women respond to the leadership of a great man. It’s hard-wired. But the man must be both confident and competent as a leader in order for this to function according to design.

If you assert your way without regard for the woman, either out of selfishness or foolish arrogance, unfortunate disasters are likely to happen. Such is the behavior of a control-freak I/J (“idiot/jerk”).

But if you carry yourself in an almost regal manner that inspires confidence in a woman, your ability to maintain that all-important sense of order in a world of chaos is a crucial—and welcome—component of what gives the woman in your life freedom to fly.

And this is a good thing, because someday there may even be passengers on the flight, and you’ll need to be ready.

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Five Ways To Become P-Whipped Without Even Knowing What Hit You

Scot Mckay — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 06:09:16 +0000

This is the first article by Scot McKay of X & Y Communications. He’s going to be our featured columnist on Relationship Management. I know many of you guys would love to know how to keep girlfriends and make your relationships more enjoyable.

There’s always a lot of emphasis placed on not giving one’s power away when relating to women. Yet, the exact meaning of this concept continually eludes a lot of guys out there.

It’s easy to see why this would be the case.

On one hand, the vast majority of us don’t want to be controlling I/Js (Idiot/Jerks). But on the other hand, we see countless instances on television of guys in sitcoms who think they’re “large and in charge”, but who in reality are nothing more than, well…p-whipped.

It’s pretty much your biggest nightmare when it comes to relationship management, isn’t it?

As a man, you know you’re supposed to provide leadership and a sense of security to a woman in a relationship. But there just aren’t a lot of shining examples out there with regard to how to be effective at it.

It used to be that men knew how to quarterback a relationship. Men were men, and the women loved us for it.

But somewhere in the latter half of the twentieth century, something went awry.

Perhaps this all started way back in the Stone Age of television, when “The Honeymooners” graced the black and white screen. In case you’re curious, I’m way too young to remember that also, but therein lies part of the problem.

You see, a major subplot of the show involved Jackie Gleason’s booming, demanding, larger-than-life persona and how he related to his wife. Though seeming to have a “my way or the highway” attitude, whenever the chips were down he would crack under pressure and become an indecisive, self-loathing ball of confusion. It was then his wife would step in, take care of business and save the day.

The genius of Jackie Gleason was, of course…ironic comedy.

Why was the show so funny? You guessed it. Men didn’t REALLY act like that. So when you saw it happening on television, it made you laugh.

Years later, The Flintstones were basically modeled after the Honeymooners. In between Ricky and Lucy had come along. And the die was cast.

Fast forward to today, and nearly EVERY television comedy involves a guy who is full of sound and fury, but in the end…p-whipped.

And because such scenarios have been a fixture on television for so long, most of us no longer remember when they weren’t.

The danger is that we as guys begin to see that kind of relationship as NORMAL, rather than the comedic aberration it’s meant to be.

The cold hard truth is this: Though women will test your ability to lead and provide security to a relationship, they really don’t want to “own” you. Not in real life.

In fact, show me a woman who “wears the pants” in a relationship, and I’ll show you a bitter, resentful woman.

Think about it. Running through the file cards of your mind, can you think of any woman you know who has her boyfriend in her back pocket but also respects him and adores him in the way most men desire?

Short of Cuba Gooding, Jr. and his wife in Jerry Maguire, you’ll be hard pressed. Besides, the intent in Jerry Maguire is again ironic comedy.

So no doubt, it’s time to get in touch with exactly how we as guys tend to fall into a dangerous state of having been “pwned” by the chick we’re with.

Granted, I don’t think any of us decide from the outset that we’re going to become p-whipped. For most guys who end up in that zone, it all happens so gradually that one day you wake up and it dawns on you that you’re already there.

Crazy, huh?

Here’s a little 20/20 foresight for you. What follows are five ways you can get p-whipped without ever even realizing what hit you:

1) Control By Weakness

She’s feeling sick or is too tired, so you cater to her (again) because you feel sorry for her. And since you are sick of the place looking like hell, you also do all the dishes …and pick up all the trash …and clean the bathroom …again.

I’m not saying that the opposite should be the case and that she should do all the heavy lifting. I’m simply demonstrating how the balance shifts from a reasonable place to “all you all the time”.

2) Stepping In When She Messes Up

OK, well she has burned your dinner and/or put too much salt in the spaghetti sauce one time too many. So you cook dinner from now on.

And she threw a red t-shirt in with your white socks again, ruining every pair you have. So you do the laundry from now on.

And whenever she does the grocery shopping, she has this way of buying $100 worth of stuff…and nothing to eat. Or drink, either.

If she demonstrates incompetence—or even perceived incompetence–enough, you’ll pretty much take over everything…right?

3) Dreading Her Drama Over Even The Little Things

Face it, we as guys can’t stand theatrical demos and hurt feelings. The last thing the typical guy wants to handle is having made a woman cry.

So instead of dealing with the fallout from potential conflict, we avoid it altogether.

4) Thinking She’s Out Of Your League

If you are not used to having high-quality options when it comes to women, you may very feel you’ve hit the friggin’ jackpot when a true hottie walks into your life.

If your mindset is such that you feel you’re going to have to be “Mr. Perfect” in order to pull off keeping her around, you’re toast.

5) Thinking It’s Harder To Break Up And Start All Over Than To Just Let It Ride

You may see yourself becoming a bit resentful and dissatisfied with how things are already going in the relationship. But in your mind it sounds like too much work to end this relationship and have to find another woman.

After all, how bad can it possibly get? Some people have nobody in their lives, so at least you have someone.

Once she knows you’ll stick around no matter what happens, you’ve made yourself vulnerable to being taken for granted.

Do you see a pattern here? The irony of how most guys get p-whipped is that they initially see their decisions and subsequent actions as being rooted in strength. It’s easy to enter into any of the situations above feeling like you’re taking the proverbial “bull by the horns” and making something happen YOUR way and by YOUR rulebook.

For example, if you perceive she isn’t getting things done or messing stuff up, you feel as if you’re taking control by getting the job done. And by avoiding conflict, you may believe you’ve taken an active role keeping peace and stability.

And by focusing on utter perfection in hopes of earning the continued affection of a great woman, you might think you’re giving 100%…which is a man’s job.

And by “never giving up” on a relationship you could trick yourself into believing you are exhibiting the masculine trait of perseverance vis-à-vis being a “quitter”.

But because you are actually afraid of the unknown, you are really just “settling”.

In each of these cases, actually, the subtle and insidious reality is that you quickly fall prey to tolerating passivity from the woman you are with, which—in a twist of ultimate irony—puts her in complete, utter control.

Next time: “How To Be In Control Without Being A Controller”

If you liked Scot’s advice, check out his new program called “Deserve What You Want“.

As a gift for subscribing to the RSS, download my ~~$6.95~~ Blueprint To Inner Game Success for free.
Seduction Chronicles Quick Links: VH1 Pickup Artist, David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, Ross Jeffries, Paul Janka, Double Your Dating, Mystery Method, Real Social Dynamics, Wayne Elise