Do you find yourself falling for people really quickly? You’ve gone on one (or maybe two) dates with someone, and you’re already planning the next six months of a relationship that hasn’t even really started yet.
You find yourself really starting to forecast what’s going to happen in this not-yet-a-relationship situation. You think about how you are going to take them home for Christmas and what a blast the party you’re going to go to with them on Halloween is going to be. You think about how great it will be to have someone to go sailing with on your birthday this year.
Do you find yourself always falling too quickly for people before you even get to know them? Do you find yourself saying things to someone you’ve just met about what the two of you should do together two or three weeks from now? You are out on your first date with someone and all you do is talk about the future with them.
Do you know why you’re doing that future planning on a first or second date? It’s because you are needy, you hate being single and you don’t have an abundance mentality.
What happens is the minute you get somebody to say yes to a date with you, all you think about is being rescued form this horrible experience you’ve been having called being alone or being single. So what you do is to immediately start forecasting, because it makes you feel better that you might have a relationship that is going to work after it’s been so hard for you to meet someone.
Because it’s been so hard for you to meet someone, now that you have you don’t want to blow it. So you try really hard not to blow it, and end up putting a lot of pressure on it which makes you come across as being very needy.
When you’re out on a first date with somebody and you’re talking about all the things you want to do with them in the future, you look desperate and needy. That will turn them off. It scares them.
All someone wants to do on a first date is learn more about you. They want to learn what is special about you. They want to learn about what makes you tick.
They don’t want to think about what might happen three weeks from now. On a first date, they are not in the planning stage of a relationship. The truth is that you’re not even close to the planning stage of a relationship yet.
You can consider yourself in the planning stage of a relationship when you’re sleeping with them, when you you’re both committed to each other and when you’re enjoying each other’s company on a regular basis. That is when you know there is a relationship.
If you bring this stuff up from the beginning — and especially on a first date — you’re going to look desperate and needy. That is what makes these things not work out. So many people self-destruct potentially good relationships before they even have a chance to happen.
So the next time you’re with somebody on a first and second date, stop your desperate energy. Stop being so needy, and just enjoy them for the moment. You’ll get the end result that you’ve always desired if you stop thinking about the end result and stop looking for confirmation.
Don’t look for confirmation. If you talk on a first date about what you want to be doing with them three weeks from now, you might as well look them in the eyes and say, “I’m so needy and desperate. Do you like me? Do you like me? Do you like me?” That is what you’re communicating to them when you do that. That is why they’re not calling you again, and why you’re having a lot of “one and done” dates with people.
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GREAT advice. I would like to add to this. Although some guys can succeed in your suggestion by just being aware of it, for some men it is VERY hard to become less “needy”, no matter how hard they try. In fact, of they try too hard, they’ll just repress their emotions towards this woman and will not have an enjoyable experience. The reason is that some of us have very deeply rooted limiting beliefs that cause this pattern of neediness. The only way to really get less (or not at all) needy is to eradicate these limiting beliefs. There are some great tools in the world of unconscious belief change, to address this issue (one of them is EFT).
A couple of years ago, when I was still struggling with my dating life, I met this gorgeous girl on a night out. That night we flirted a lot, and she gave me here phone number and email address and said that we should definitely hang out again.
A day later I started sending her emails with all kind of plans for the summer, I suggested to go to several festivals, do a roadtrip together, … all very fun stuff, but just too much!! Needless to say I only received 1 or 2 emails back, and then never heard of her again …
The irony of having the abundance mentality is it means you become scarce to women. Most women have an incredibly scarce mentality when it comes to men. They often say “All the good men are already married or gay!”
You’ve got to change their minds! You’ve got to make women feel that you are a scarce resource. You can be into a girl … but don’t let her know it from the beginning. In other words, she should feel lucky to meet a guy like you, a guy who is charming, funny, interesting, and cool, but who doesn’t play the game by the traditional “rules”.
Being a scarce resource to women means:
- You don’t give a woman all of your time and attention.
- You don’t lavish gifts on her, or spend a lot of money on a date.
- You’re not available to talk to her on the phone or chat on the internet for an hour every day, or see her any night of the week that she’s free to see you.
Once you start getting to know women and getting them attracted to you, and then limiting your availability, so they don’t always have access to you, you’ll be amazed by how much harder these girls are going to compete for your attention and your affection. This is what girls want. A guy who is a CHALLENGE.