A student recently posted this question before his bootcamp – pretty common to guys who are new to Love Systems.
“In some conversations, I do the majority of the talking. Meaning, I start a conversational thread, we talk about it for a bit and then it dies down. I start up a new one and the same thing happens. Sometimes the women give one word answers and invest little into the conversation. I’m not getting the indicators of attraction that I want. I will ask them a question, they will answer, but then that’s it.”
Tenmagnet: If you’re having problems getting attraction, it’s usually because of something you’re doing wrong earlier in the interaction. There are a few things you might be doing wrong:
1) Being too “gamey.” MORE IS NOT BETTER when you’re talking about attraction routines. Too many can get weird pretty quickly. Attraction routines are great for when you get stuck – when you don’t know what to say next. But what really generates attraction is when you demonstrate confidence, humor, etc., and of course great body language and non-verbal communication. If you’re not demonstrating these things (or the other attraction switches from Magic Bullets), you’re not generating attraction, attraction routine or not.
Solution: You want to engage the people in her group, make them laugh, generate a bit of attraction and then CHILL. That is to say, once you HAVE attraction, you need to move forward to the next step in the Love Systems Triad (click here for the free download). If you keep trying for more attraction you will blow it.
2) Being weak on the opener/conversation starter. If your opener is weak, you’ll usually see the effects about a minute or two in. Opening poorly can make it very hard to get attraction. If your first line sounds nervous, awkward, too eager, or like you’re reading a script, or if she’s seen you wandering around the last 15 minutes getting the courage to approach her… well, you risk getting the kind of reaction you described a couple of minutes later when you try to continue the conversation.
Solution: Practice your openers, practice making them spontaneous, invent your own openers, and above all else, HAVE FUN when you’re out, and make that energy infectious. [NS: Braddock's Blog has a great new post about this - click this link]
3) Giving up too early. Some women will giggle and be all over you when they’re attracted – many will not. Some women are bad conversationalists, some are shy, and some have bad “game” themselves and mess things up when they are attracted. Indicators of attraction (the “tells” or “giveaways” that women do without knowing it that show when they are attracted to someone, listed in Magic Bullets) are guidelines, not a straightjacket.
Solution: Don’t be too strict in worrying about the lack of indicators of attraction – if they’re not coming but you’re having a good conversation, keep moving forward along the Love Systems Triad Model and see what happens. Don’t bail just because a woman isn’t giving you strong “I like you” signals.
There’s another thing to think about too – the overall “vibe” of the room. A lot of the time, the women I approach early in the night are friendly enough, but chemistry doesn’t come easily. You can do really well for yourself by bailing from those approaches after a couple of minutes – on a high note – and re-opening at midnight when the girls have had a chance to relax, be social, and see you having a great time around the bar. Suddenly, there’s chemistry.
Check out the Routines Manual and Magic Bullets book by Love Systems.
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
I share the same problem with the student. I’m fine with starting a conversation but it usually moves into the boring and predictable stuff. Where are you from? Where do you work? Those types of questions quickly kill any good conversation and I’ll get stuck, resulting in an awkward moment.
I watch and foolow your teachings, I think they are good and helpful to most of us. I’m at the university of Johannesburg, I have met this cute lady. I approach her and intriduced myself to her and thereafter asked for her number, she gave. Now I not sure what do but really want us to date. can you please give me advice
Keeping a conversation going is what fuels most of the social interaction. After asking the usual intro-questions, “Who are you?” “Where are you from” “Do you come here a lot?” that is when the trying to find things to say occur, and awkward silence can happen.
When awkward silence moments happened, here is a powerful technique I used called “obviousation” that works like magic to not only eliminate the awkward silence but bypass a lot of the superficial barriers that keep two people from connecting.
Look when awkward silence happens, she is also thinking that she is feeling that she is causing that awkwardness of a bad conversationalist.
Basically when an awkward to occur, simply S.O.N.A – “Saying the Obvious to Neutralize the Awkwardness”
“Huh, I guess we’re not great conversationalists are we? We’re both quiet right now? We have nothing to say to each other? You know…I hate when this happens? When 2 people are talking they both become quiet, and usually they think they are the one who thinks they are the bad conversationalist…but they don’t realize is that the other person is thinking the same thing, too.”
This can even get a laugh from her, the laugh of recognition
And you guys can then go into a conversation about “conversations”.
Watch as how she opens up from here, you will come form feeling like being this stranger to being somebody who she knows in her life.
It’s getting to the real heart of the issue.
Also you are being the man here who is easing the same tension and awkwardness she feels from not having anything to say, or she will eventually do it for you…by “I gotta find my friend”.
If another awkward silence occurs, use S.O.N.A again.
“So what can we talk about now? I think this time, you’re the bad conversationalist.”