Stop Stalking Women

On my blog this week I have spent a lot of time talking about ass.

Let’s continue Ass Week, because really let’s be honest. Most men will always want to check out a woman’s ass. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where Kramer mistakenly gets a Proctologist’s vanity plates which say “Assman” on them.

I thought I’d go a little deeper, though, for today’s Ass Week blog. So for most of the men out there who want to be able to get some ass, you especially will want to pay attention to this story I’m going to tell.

Today I’d like to talk about The Slow Stalker. This guy is my favorite. My girlfriend and I actually just ran into him.

We were at a farmer’s market the other day walking arm in arm, and as we passed this guy he stopped and stared bug-eyed at my girlfriend like he’d never before seen a woman breathing. He must have looked at her at least five or six times, and each time he looked at her he just got creepier and creepier. I swear I saw drool coming out of his mouth.

Then he did what all creepy men do. He got on his phone and became Poser Man. You know this guy. He’s in front of you – not ten feet away – and he gets on his phone and does ‘the pose.”

He does his best George Clooney impression, he looks down, puts his leg out and then rolls up his sleeve while flexing his bicep. Once he’s done all this, he then becomes the third person in this group: Model Man.

After Model Man shows you a few different poses featuring different angles of his face and bicep, he’ll then do “the catwalk” and pace five steps back and forth (and back and forth). You can almost hear a gay choreographer or Richard Simmons chanting “Uh 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5…”

This leads us to the fourth guy: Hair Flip Man. When he’s finished being persons one through three, Model Man turns into Hair Flip Man. He gets off his phone, takes three steps and then flips his hair back as he saunters off into the distance.

This leads to what this guy really is all together: Feminine Man. Because really, all of these techniques are so ridiculously feminine.

Did he learn them from watching America’s Next Top Model? Is he a friend of the choreographer from American Idol?

The funny this about this particular “ass man” is that he perfected all five Feminine Man techniques. It’s really a shame that I didn’t have my video camera with me so you could see this specimen on display!

So to find out what other ass men do who are actually asses, be sure to click here and listen to today’s podcast: