Welcome to the latest installment on relationship management. I’m appreciating your comments and e-mails. I’m also stoked that so many of you guys are ready to take the long-view past pickup and look into what it takes to be the master of your own destiny with women…no matter what your personal vision of the future looks like.
A subtitle to the admittedly brash title of today’s article could be, “Why Some Women Can’t Go Three Dates Between Marriage Proposals”.
What we’re talking about here are the differences between women we want to have around for as long as possible, and the ones we can’t quite see a future with.
So let’s just throw it out on the table to get things started: There are certain women who have no idea how to make a guy commit to them. Even though that’s what they WANT most.
In fact, considering that we coach both men and women around here at X & Y Communications, the e-mails and phone calls we get on a regular basis say it all.
While guys we hear from tend to think women are the “choosers” because they arbitrate sexual activity (apparently), the women we hear from tend to think it’s men who actually hold all the cards—because none of them seem to want to commit.
Stereotypes abound in both gender’s assessments, of course.
But the cold, hard truth is that when one lacks options and/or a valid understanding of MOTOS (i.e. Members Of The Opposite Sex), one tends to feel as if his or her dating life is outside of personal control.
So we get e-mails from guys who have a serious “dry spell” going on, of course.
And…we get e-mails from women whose boyfriends stick around for years because they are getting laid and nothing better has come along…yet.
The truth is that if he isn’t into marrying her, he’s likely more into finding a better option…it’s just that one hasn’t seemed to have happened along his path just yet.
But you’ve got to be kidding if you think he’s ever going to tell her that.
Think about that one for a moment.
It’s not like most AFC-types out there are loaded down with options, and since the house isn’t exactly on fire, cutting the rope, going “solo” and actually risking an active role in finding someone better isn’t…[yawn]…a priority.
Let me know if you can relate to what I’m describing here, either directly or indirectly via what you’ve seen a buddy or to deal with.
And see, here’s the twisted irony of this whole deal.
Our boy in this example is invariably labeled a “commitment phobe” by his chick (who has too much time invested in this whole gig to walk out the door herself).
Yet, as we’ve seen time and again in real life, he could easily end up engaged to the very next woman he meets within weeks…assuming he ever gets into the position to actually meet her.
How?
Simple. Some women know how to get men to commit, that’s all.
Here’s the diff between women who blow it, and women who repeatedly deal with guys who show up with rings on third dates (the latest example thereof we heard about just yesterday).
WOMEN GUYS WON’T COMMIT TO…
1) …are inherently resentful of men in general
If she has no respect for men and cannot trust them, why would any man who values femininity and respects a woman’s inherent humanity waste his time with her? Sure, maybe she’s been damaged by past relationships, but those guys were not you, so you need not pay the price.
2) …refuse to support their man’s hopes, dreams and endeavors
If she cannot share your vision and your victories, she will likely not stand by you when life’s inevitable setbacks happen. So why commit to such an empty partnership?
3) …are ruthlessly selfish
When there’s only “take” and no “give”, guys feel taken advantage of. Strangely, such women are typically impossible to please. If you can’t please her, why bother? You won’t.
4) …are contentious
There are women who want to “wear the pants”. Yet, even if she refuses your leadership, she’ll still lack respect for you if you don’t exercise it anyway. No self-respecting man will live the rest of his life this way…except in sitcoms. It’s a classic lose/lose situation.
5) …are negative
If she “hates” all sorts of things, you’ll have to fight to avoid being drawn in. And your optimism, if not squelched under pressure, will be a lonely voice. Most guys aren’t buying into that lifestyle long-term, no matter how hot she is.
6) …avoid risk
Forget giving up your YZF-R1 and the kiteboarding “habit”. She’s afraid you might not ever come home alive when you go to the driving range to hit a few. This not only adds up to boredom with a quickness, it starts feeling about as restrictive as a straitjacket.
7) ….are jealous
There is an inverse correlation between how insanely jealous she is and how excited you are to be with her for years. Either that or you should check your pulse. After all, rumor has it the jealous ones are the cheaters themselves.
….openly flirt with other guys
This could be the most devastating mistake women who want commitment make. “Oh, him? He and I are just really, really good friends.” Face it, if you think there’s any doubt she’ll remain faithful, you aren’t going to subject yourself to the potential humiliation.
To be sure, a guy with no options may stay involved with a woman he won’t commit to if he’s getting some.
But as soon as this woman shows up, his current girlfriend is probably toast:
WOMEN MEN COMMIT TO…
1) …are proud to be a woman and crave a real man
Despite social pressure nowadays, she’s flat-out feminine. She makes you feel like a man, assuming you match the description. All is right in the universe.
2) …believe in your competence
She’s your biggest cheerleader. In her mind, you aren’t only going to win…you already have.
3) …are givers who can accept generosity
She’s nobody’s doormat, for sure. But she knows you appreciate everything she does for you—usually without your having to ask and sometimes without you even knowing it happened. In return, you are generous to her without reservation because there is no sense of “entitlement” haunting you.
4) …trust your leadership
She understands your ambition, knows the game plan and backs you 100%. Why? Because you have her best interests in mind anyway.
5) …boldly think the best of you
There is never any doubt expressed regarding your character, your intentions or anything else for that matter. And as long as you don’t breach that trust, there never will be.
6) …crave adventure
She’s your willing accomplice…whatever form that takes.
7) …are their man’s most valued confidant
Were this a job and not a relationship, she’d be the first to show up in the morning and the last to leave. You gladly share everything you’ve got and welcome her input in return. And you instinctively know she isn’t going anywhere.
…glow in your presence
The feminine joy in her heart shines through her eyes, which are always smiling. This is the telltale sign of authenticity and ultimate trustworthiness.
My guess is that even the most hardcore PUA would have a hard time not selecting a woman of the latter description first from among however many options available to him…every day of the week.
And this would probably hold true even before they were both utterly blown away by what happens in the bedroom.
Next time, given the information you now have before you, I’ll share a way to leverage the most magical skill a man can have in relationship management so as to magically attract high-quality women and practically gain total control over your entire dating life overnight.
Meanwhile, if you have anything to add to either of my lists above, go for it.
Be Good,
Scot McKay
Get Scot’s new program Deserve What You Want
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
You are 100% correct IMO. I was with a guy for four years and stuck around even though he told me more than once that he wasn’t sure that I was “the kind of girl I want to marry.” Lame. Lame on MY part. I was all of the things you described in the non-marrying category. Luckily, I had a major aha moment in my life and we split – the best thing for both of us.
I spent a year on my own, dating, etc. before I hooked up with my SO. I have confidence that I am all those things in the marrying category – but that doesn’t really matter to me anymore. That’s the irony. You become “marryable” to a guy when it doesn’t really matter to you anymore. That’s the self-confidence, plus the utter joy of being around someone you really like.
Thanks for that incredibly honest comment, Holly. You ROCK!
It sounds like there’s a very fortunate guy out there. My guess is that he catches “The Glow” from you 24/7.
Cheers,
Scot
You know, I as a woman can get behind those lists, except for one thing. This isn’t the 1950′s any more. *Partnership,* not “leadership,” is the name of the game. As a man’s valued and equal partner, it will be my pleasure to keep him happy. But if he views me as someone lesser who needs his “leadership,” well, he shouldn’t let the door hit his @$$ on the way out.
I’ve already been married. I don’t actually want to do it again. But that’s beside the point.
@gothchiq: Take a look at my article from last week. I covered that one for you.
By “leadership”, rest assured I don’t mean “manipulative domination”.
If a woman is “lesser” than me, then SHE shouldn’t let the door hit HER @$$ on the way out. I have higher standards than to settle for someone “lesser”.
Rather, I mean having a plan and some ambition. All so stuff doesn’t happen like putting you in the car and asking you “where you want to go” tonight.
No sweat, man. But I did think you might want to know how that can sound to the “other half,” even if you didn’t mean it that way. After all, getting feedback is part of honing your skills, yes?
Me, not know where to go for the evening? Why, I’m shocked at the very notion! lol. I’m going to Club Hell (yes, I’m serious.) You?
Cheers!
Ah…but the “other half” must never be considered as a “whole”, given the complexity of women, no?
You left one important point out. Family honor. If you meet the parents and her mom is living in the mansion he is still paying mortgage for and her father is living in whatever box he can afford after having been taken to the cleaners, there is very little that will get this girl out of the fun category into the marriage category.
I hear you, Marc.
I may not be so willing to visit the sins of the parents upon the daughter at the wholesale level like that, at least not without making a judgment call on a case-by-case basis.
But maybe the subject indeed deserves a whole ‘nother article called “Why Desperate Dads Need Better Lawyers”. LOL
“Despite social pressure nowadays, she’s flat-out feminine. She makes you feel like a man, assuming you match the description. All is right in the universe.”
Not sure how gender stereotypes make for a successful partnership. Every couple I’ve seen pushing each other towards traditional gender roles ended up resenting it.
Making your partner feel loved, supported, respected as a person, not as a gender. That’s the key
@Juls:
The words “stereotype” and “roles” are yours.
The words “flat-out feminine” and “man” are mine.
Without sexual polarity a male human being and a female human being can expect to be cordial roommates, at best.
Sexual attraction is by very definition tied to masculine and feminine energy…unless one is content to reduce sexuality to body parts, which I personally am not.
@Scot – what a great list!
I have had a gf for 2 years – and when I read that second list, it really hit home to me what an awesome chick I have in my life.
I have been there before and dated many a girl who from first look seemed ‘perfect’ – but give them 1 week, 1 month later I was lucky to realise the truth and have the ability to leave.
And I must admit that when you meet a girl who just clicks with you (commits herself to you and you to her) – WOW life really does become an awesome ride of happiness
/ Nathan
I don’t think this is a very good list at all. Then why do so many guys end up dating bitchy girls?
I think you’re missing the point that girls guys commit to have a LOT of respect for themselves. They know that they are valuable, they have a lot to offer in a relationship, and they require respect. Guys want to marry someone who believes in themselves, who knows that they have value. Guys want someone who insists they be treated right. Someone who won’t put up with all kinds of bullshit.
@Nathan: Congrats on finding a great woman and keeping her in your life. Looks alone certainly aren’t enough, which is the deeper reason why “pre-approving” women at the approach stage is almost invariably disastrous.
@Denise: Perhaps ironically, men tend to date bitchy women due to lack of self-respect. This article does not attempt to address the unfortunate habits of guys who make bad decisions.
Self-respect is central to the list I’ve given. Note that I believe that both partners in a relationship must have a healthy respect for self AND for each other in order for a LTR to succeed.
To gothchiq; The term partnership is a turn off for most men. It’s not a business relationship.